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Summer is Coming!

Annnnnd we’re back!!!

The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. And the pool is waiting 💦!

….Okay, I kid, I kid.

We’ve probably had the worst weather (especially for our swimming purposes!) for the past 4 weeks since El Nino in like ’83 🌧🌊.

BUT a little rain never hurt anybody so here we are! While the weather may not be fantastic, it also hasn’t been life threatening (no lightning), so we could begin swimming again 💁🏽‍♀️!

Anywho, the purpose of this post is mainly to let people know that we’re alive, well, and back in the business of making America swim again 🐬.

So yeah, we’re out here! Sign up, sign in, and splash out (totally just made that up; can you tell? 🤣).

This summer will be best yet, and I have tons planned. I can’t wait to show you all 📹!

So stay as tuned as your attention span will allow you to, and I’ll look forward to seeing you all on the ‘deep side‘ (See what I did there? Flip side? Deep side? No?! Okay, Okay, I’ll admit…not my best work)🏄🏽‍♂️.

Ciao!!!

P.S. I have this cool video I want to share but I’m learning just how anal copyright laws can be, so once I figure out how to fool the authorities, I’ll share it right here for the people🤙🏽✊🏽.

4 Common Mistakes that Swimmers make: Swimming “Flat”

Welcome back Foot Splashers and Seasoned Swimmers! Today, I have a treat for our Seasoned swimmers–and MAN, is it special (it’s a treat for our Foot Splashers too, but only the most swimmiest among them).

Today begins the first of a four segment series detailing the mistakes that most swimmers make and the remedies to correct them.

Hoy, empezamos la primer segmento: “Swimming Flat”. Swimming “flat” is when, during the Freestlye stroke, instead of rolling with each stroke, the torso remains static.

The Ugly Side of Swimming Flat 💩:

1. Shoulder Impingement 😱

2. Stroke Inefficiency (more work, less results) 😰

3. Your friends will make fun of you

4. You’ll never win a swim race 😢

Steps to Eliminating Flatness and Incorporating Greatness aka The Body Roll 🏆:

1. Listen to Me ✅

2. Reach, Stretch, & Extend Leading Arms ✅

3. Relax & Allow Body to Roll/Tilt to Each Side ✅

4. Show Off to All your Friends Who Doubted ✅

5. Impress your Local Hot Lifeguard ✅

6. Body Roll Off Into the Sunset 🌅

The Beauty of a “Body Roll”

1. Considerably less strain on your shoulders 👍🏽

2. Smoother, more efficient and effective stroke (less work, more results) 🏄🏽

3. The envy of all your friends ☺️

4. Winning impromptu swim races with dolphins 🐬

Once you’re comfortable body rollin’ and body rockin’, you’re ready to check out the next fix! 💦

***

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau

***

Like photos shot by unsung exes that you’ll never know on IG: NoChainz26

Watch snaps that I barely post: NoChainz26

Tweet me at…still nope

Read my very public posts to my self on FB @ Christian Try Again

Email TheLonelyFootSplasher@gmail.com for lessons.

The Third Step to Swimming out into the Great Blue Beyond: The Glide (Video)

 

Welcome back Foot Splashers and Seasoned Swimmers 💦!

Today’s topic concerns the third step one must undertake on their journey to becoming master of the 6 feets and seas (always 6 though because Christian, the Great Whale Shark Rider, still holds the 7th🦈)

The third step to going from Lonely Foot Splasher to Super Swimmer is learning the Front Glide 🦑.

The front glide is super simple and super fun. More often than not, most beginner swimmers feel more comfortable performing the front glide than the front float 👍🏽.

But I’ll let you be judge, let’s get into it!

5 Steps to your very own super swimmer glide ✅:

1st: Raise arms above head and around ears in arrow formation ✅

2nd: Position your back against a wall with one leg on the wall ✅

3rd: While still standing and with arms in alignment, position your head face down in the water ✅

4th: Gently push off of the wall with your leg, keeping your head face down and relaxed, and bringing both legs together so your body is long and straight from fingers to toes 🏹 ✅

5th: Relax and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts glide (should be about 5-6 seconds) 😊✅

Bonus Exercise: try opening your arms and legs wide during the glide like a starfish to understand a little bit more of what drag is 🌟.

**you can also practice without the wall by pushing off of the floor

And there you go! Practice a few times in a row (5 times should do it) focusing on relaxing, gliding, and flying through the water 🛩.

The glide is a great opportunity to develop trust with the water by just allowing you and it to be. Let the water carry you💆🏽‍♂️. It’s safe, I promise!!

To stand, smoothly swing arms back and gently tuck knees to your chest🐢.

Once you’re comfortable gliding, you’re ready for the next step! 💦 DM or Email for lessons

***

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau

***

Like memes conveying my innermost desires and insecurities to the world on IG: NoChainz26

Watch all the things I wouldn’t dare show my mother on Snapchat: NoChainz26

Tweet me your most offensive jokes 140 characters at time in between Trump’s rants on Twitter: still nope

Read all my politically incorrect thoughts supported by video clips taken wholly out of context on Facebook: Christian Cabrera

Email TheLonelyFootSplasher@gmail.com for lessons.

About Me (these are important, right?)

Christian, The Great, has been guiding lonely foot splashers off the ledges of pools and into the waters of wonder and fantasy for eons now (3.2 billion years to be exact). Now, I’d be lying if I said he created Foot Splasher to save the world. He didn’t. Not even to save the universe, but he did create it to save something 🌌.

The Lonely Foot Splasher has a very humble beginning (in truth, it still is rather humble). To begin with, the term “Foot Splasher” started off as a little jest he created to refer to the many who attend pool parties but never the actual pool 🙅🏽‍♂️. From there it evolved into something much more. Much like the human race (for those who were around long enough to witness it).

To make a long story medium, Foot Splasher went from jest to hobby to something quite still a hobby but much more ambitious. Humans evolved so that they could one day create Oreos (mankind’s greatest achievement). In the same way, Foot Splasher evolved to create the human equivalent of Oreos: Super Swimmers 🏊🏽.

Super Swimmers can save both the world and the universe. That’s why Christian, the benevolent, doesn’t have to. By mastering the art of watertry 🏄🏽 (you read that correctly), super swimmers become heralds of hope for the land trapped citizens of earth.

You see because mastering watertry is no small feat. Watertry requires a supreme understanding and acceptance of life’s most quintessential essence: stillness 💆🏽‍♂️.

To truly master watertry and ascend to Super Swimmer divine hood, one must balance letting go and allowing the flow to….flow and tapping into it to navigate where you’ll go. Now this can get pretty deep, and I did say that I would keep this medium, so we’ll end the conversation here and pick up somewhere else in the blog, but it was a pleasure having you here and I look forward to seeing you sometime within the mystical world of water 🌎.

P.S

But all jokes aside, I created this to improve and enhance the lives of others through water safety and enjoyment. It’s no secret that the water is amazing: it exists in 3 states, it’s consistently constant, and it’s better than Gatorade etc. etc. It can be said that water is as much a part of the earth as it is a part of us 🤞🏽.

We all know that most of life on earth as we know it wouldn’t exist without water. Which is mostly why it’s one of the first things we look for in space (shoutout to Musk 🚀).  Add that to the notion of water as a primordial element and it becomes nothing short of divine.

If you follow me along that super spotty stretch of a connection, engaging with water is to engage with the divine 💫. And who wouldn’t want to do that?

P.P.S

I’ve been teaching water safety and swimming for 10+ years and counting. You know, for those that care about those things. If you’re interested in lessons or have questions, feel free to message me wherever; my contact information is (probably) in more places than it should be 🤷🏽‍♂️.

***

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau

***

Like my poorly captioned pictures on IG: NoChainz26

Snap me everything you wouldn’t want your pastor or momma to see on Snapchat: NoChainz26

Read all of my innermost thoughts and fears on Twitter in the next lifetime, and when I actually get fears.

Watch me struggle against Facebook’s algorithms to get my status updates seen by my own friends and relatives: Christian Cabrera

Deposit money in my fraudulent Wells Fargo account: talk to my lawyer. 

EmailTheLonelyFootSplasher@gmail.com

 

 

Lonely Foot Splasher Chronicles: Mid- Summer (Throwback😊)

It’s July 28, 2017. You’re feeling rather proud of yourself, but you have your doubts.

You’ve attended every pool & yacht party fully clothed 👩🏽‍⚕️👨🏽‍⚕️. Fully—you even wore sneakers smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic once👟. You feel safe in your clothes, comfortable.

Sometimes, perhaps, too comfortable.

But what are you to do? You can’t swim, and comfort keeps you safe. Alive. Dry.

Water is danger. Death. Wet.

You begin to sweat just thinking about it. Sure, water is ‘cool’ in a tall crisp glass on a hot summer day, but the danger is there. They say there’s strength in numbers; that certainly applies to water.

Too much is too much…no matter how fun it looks. No matter how seductive it looks; no matter the glee on your friends’ faces as they cannonball jubilantly in the pool💦.

You never even belly flopped (at least not in the deep end. Void btw🙅🏽‍♂️)

You told yourself you were going to learn how to swim 5 years ago⏳. 5 years later, here you are: more clothed than ever, foot splashing off the edge of the pool, purposefully gripping life vests on yachts, avoiding the beauty of the great beyond.

Christian thinks it’s time. You think it’s time. Your friends think it’s time⌛️. Learn to swim. Learn now. Learn forever. Leave your foot splashing days behind.

DM, Email, Comment, Message, Contact, Reach, me for lessons.

It’s been 5 years. Don’t wait another 5. You’re almost 35👴🏽👵🏽.

***

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau

***

Like the selfies I took for Snapchat and repurposed for IG: NoChainz26

Send me pictures of your illicit drug & alcohol habits on Snapchat: NoChainz26

Read all the subtweets that my ex will never see because she’s too busy offline and in love with that douchebag with stupid hair on Twitter: still nope

Watch me secretly hate all 2,000 of my friends on Facebook at Christian Cabrera

Help pay for my next bundle of shares by depositing money in Square account: behind your arrogant notions of intellectual superiority

EmailTheLonelyFootSplasher@gmail.com

 

 

The Second Step to Swimming out into the Great Blue Beyond: Front Float (Video)

 

 

Welcome back Foot Splashers and Seasoned Swimmers 💦! Today’s topic concerns the second step one must undertake on their journey to becoming master of the 6 feets and seas (always 6 though because Christian, the Great Whale Shark Rider, still holds the 7th🦈)

Floating is infamous for being that aquatic skill that nobody but fresh newborn babies and oversized Floatopia inflatables possess⛱. Its notoriety is often well documented: “I tried floating 5 years ago. I sank like a 2-ton anchor. I’ll never try it again.”

Its successful application? Envied. “My sister thinks she’s soooo cool because she can float. She’s ALWAYS laughing at me. It’s cool though. I’m going to show her float next weekend when I toss her ragedy a—”

— Now, now, no need to get hostile, kids. That’s what I’m here for. Allow me to lead you through the land of chlorine, salt, and underwater snake clowns🐍🤡 (Lego Batman, anyone? anyone?..oh, nevermind..awkward).

But first, a couple fun facts about floating (because who doesn’t like fun facts?):

  1. At about chest level depth your bodyweight is reduced about 90% because of buoyancy (science is cool)
  2. The capacity of any object to float is determined by its weight and the amount of water it displaces or moves (why is science so cool)
  3. Annnd lastly, many of you will hopelessly sink…& that’s okay👌🏽if you have a certain amount of muscle or wrestle polar bears in your free time (like me), you will sink💪🏽. That’s your cross to bear, but you’re not alone because I sink too 🤷🏽‍♂️
  4. For the rest of you, I’m jealous 😒

But anyways, enough of all that! Floater or sinker, here’s how to front float (or at least try) in more steps than are probably necessary because steps are almost as cool as science, right?

1st: Fill lungs with air by taking the deepest largest breath ever (possibly your last…jay kay, jay kay )✅

2nd: While standing, position head facedown in water ✅

3rd: Extend arms and kick legs up and behind you ✅

4th: Spread legs outwards so entire body resembles a starfish⭐️ ✅

5th: Relax and enjoy for as long as you can 😊✅

Bonus: Say “hi” to Ariel for me 🐚

And there you go! Practice a few times in a row (5 times should do it) focusing on relaxing. The worst that can happen is you sink rather slowly to the bottom. To stand, gently swing arms back and lightly tuck knees to your chest. Once you’re comfortable floating (or sinking with style), you’re ready for the next step! 💦

**Footnote: babies, children, women, 40+ year old humans, and most dad bods often have the easiest time floating due to higher body fat to muscle ratio. Isn’t life poetic?

***

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau

***

Like my shameless half-naked photos on IG in between #ForTheD&Pchallenges: Nochainz26

Watch me give the FEDS every detail of my mundane life on Snapchat: Nochainz26

Catch me spilling all my deepest darkest secrets 140 characters at a time on Twitter: still never in your life

Put money in my bank account: behind the skeletons in your closet

Read all the Fake News articles I fell for and graciously shared to drag the rest of the human race down with me on FB: Christian Cabrera

Email TheLonelyFootSplasher@gmail.com for lessons 🏊🏽

 

Lonely Foot Splasher Chronicles: Labor Day 

It’s August 29, 2017. Labor Day is coming. You just bought a new bathing suit. You’re excited 😬

You’ve been practicing your poses in the mirror, eating tofu celery, and working out all week 💪🏽.

You tell yourself the gram isn’t ready, and, truth is, it probably isn’t. Go you. You earned it 💁🏽.

While you’re not sure which party(s) you’re shutting down yet, you do know one thing: your scalp will remain permanently fixed above water 🙅🏽‍♂️.

But that’s not new. You’re ready for the gram; you’re not ready for the water. Never for the water. STILL not the water 😢.

So after you’ve snapped your photos for your gram fans, you will sit. Sit on arid land, sip on frosé, and splash your feet, by yourself. 🚶🏽

And your friends? They won’t do the same. While you sit, getting splashed in the face, they will be dunking, diving, and cannonballing merrily through another Labor Day ☺️.

At least you have the gram 👍🏽.

Maybe next year you’ll learn to swim. Maybe next Labor Day. Maybe next 2k pool party. Maybe next summer. Maybe never 😟.

Avoid never, avoid Lonely Foot Splashing, avoid risking your life at every party with water, avoid not living your best life. Join your friends. Join me. I’m here to help. Wade on over to the comment section or the sign up form on this site if you want to get started. If not, there’s always never. Enjoy the frosé 🤙🏽

*****

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau

Like my dog ear selfies on IG: NoChainz26

Send me pictures of your unlovable dog on Snapchat: NoChainz26

Follow horrifically lame tweets underneath your unmade bed

Watch me tolerate humanity at its doggone worst on Facebook: Christian Nope

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Email: TheLonelyFootSplasher@gmail.com