The Third Step to Swimming out into the Great Blue Beyond: The Glide (Video)


Welcome back Foot Splashers and Seasoned Swimmers 💦!

Today’s topic concerns the third step one must undertake on their journey to becoming master of the 6 feets and seas (always 6 though because Christian, the Great Whale Shark Rider, still holds the 7th🦈)

The third step to going from Lonely Foot Splasher to Super Swimmer is learning the Front Glide 🦑.

The front glide is super simple and super fun. More often than not, most beginner swimmers feel more comfortable performing the front glide than the front float 👍🏽.

But I’ll let you be judge, let’s get into it!

5 Steps to your very own super swimmer glide ✅:

1st: Raise arms above head and around ears in arrow formation ✅

2nd: Position your back against a wall with one leg on the wall ✅

3rd: While still standing and with arms in alignment, position your head face down in the water ✅

4th: Gently push off of the wall with your leg, keeping your head face down and relaxed, and bringing both legs together so your body is long and straight from fingers to toes 🏹 ✅

5th: Relax and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts glide (should be about 5-6 seconds) 😊✅

Bonus Exercise: try opening your arms and legs wide during the glide like a starfish to understand a little bit more of what drag is 🌟.

**you can also practice without the wall by pushing off of the floor

And there you go! Practice a few times in a row (5 times should do it) focusing on relaxing, gliding, and flying through the water 🛩.

The glide is a great opportunity to develop trust with the water by just allowing you and it to be. Let the water carry you💆🏽‍♂️. It’s safe, I promise!!

To stand, smoothly swing arms back and gently tuck knees to your chest🐢.

Once you’re comfortable gliding, you’re ready for the next step! 💦 DM or Email for lessons


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau


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About Me (these are important, right?)

Christian, The Great, has been guiding lonely foot splashers off the ledges of pools and into the waters of wonder and fantasy for eons now (3.2 billion years to be exact). Now, I’d be lying if I said he created Foot Splasher to save the world. He didn’t. Not even to save the universe, but he did create it to save something 🌌.

The Lonely Foot Splasher has a very humble beginning (in truth, it still is rather humble). To begin with, the term “Foot Splasher” started off as a little jest he created to refer to the many who attend pool parties but never the actual pool 🙅🏽‍♂️. From there it evolved into something much more. Much like the human race (for those who were around long enough to witness it).

To make a long story medium, Foot Splasher went from jest to hobby to something quite still a hobby but much more ambitious. Humans evolved so that they could one day create Oreos (mankind’s greatest achievement). In the same way, Foot Splasher evolved to create the human equivalent of Oreos: Super Swimmers 🏊🏽.

Super Swimmers can save both the world and the universe. That’s why Christian, the benevolent, doesn’t have to. By mastering the art of watertry 🏄🏽 (you read that correctly), super swimmers become heralds of hope for the land trapped citizens of earth.

You see because mastering watertry is no small feat. Watertry requires a supreme understanding and acceptance of life’s most quintessential essence: stillness 💆🏽‍♂️.

To truly master watertry and ascend to Super Swimmer divine hood, one must balance letting go and allowing the flow to….flow and tapping into it to navigate where you’ll go. Now this can get pretty deep, and I did say that I would keep this medium, so we’ll end the conversation here and pick up somewhere else in the blog, but it was a pleasure having you here and I look forward to seeing you sometime within the mystical world of water 🌎.


But all jokes aside, I created this to improve and enhance the lives of others through water safety and enjoyment. It’s no secret that the water is amazing: it exists in 3 states, it’s consistently constant, and it’s better than Gatorade etc. etc. It can be said that water is as much a part of the earth as it is a part of us 🤞🏽.

We all know that most of life on earth as we know it wouldn’t exist without water. Which is mostly why it’s one of the first things we look for in space (shoutout to Musk 🚀).  Add that to the notion of water as a primordial element and it becomes nothing short of divine.

If you follow me along that super spotty stretch of a connection, engaging with water is to engage with the divine 💫. And who wouldn’t want to do that?


I’ve been teaching water safety and swimming for 10+ years and counting. You know, for those that care about those things. If you’re interested in lessons or have questions, feel free to message me wherever; my contact information is (probably) in more places than it should be 🤷🏽‍♂️.


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau


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Lonely Foot Splasher Chronicles: Mid- Summer (Throwback😊)

It’s July 28, 2017. You’re feeling rather proud of yourself, but you have your doubts.

You’ve attended every pool & yacht party fully clothed 👩🏽‍⚕️👨🏽‍⚕️. Fully—you even wore sneakers smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic once👟. You feel safe in your clothes, comfortable.

Sometimes, perhaps, too comfortable.

But what are you to do? You can’t swim, and comfort keeps you safe. Alive. Dry.

Water is danger. Death. Wet.

You begin to sweat just thinking about it. Sure, water is ‘cool’ in a tall crisp glass on a hot summer day, but the danger is there. They say there’s strength in numbers; that certainly applies to water.

Too much is too much…no matter how fun it looks. No matter how seductive it looks; no matter the glee on your friends’ faces as they cannonball jubilantly in the pool💦.

You never even belly flopped (at least not in the deep end. Void btw🙅🏽‍♂️)

You told yourself you were going to learn how to swim 5 years ago⏳. 5 years later, here you are: more clothed than ever, foot splashing off the edge of the pool, purposefully gripping life vests on yachts, avoiding the beauty of the great beyond.

Christian thinks it’s time. You think it’s time. Your friends think it’s time⌛️. Learn to swim. Learn now. Learn forever. Leave your foot splashing days behind.

DM, Email, Comment, Message, Contact, Reach, me for lessons.

It’s been 5 years. Don’t wait another 5. You’re almost 35👴🏽👵🏽.


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau


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The Second Step to Swimming out into the Great Blue Beyond: Front Float (Video)



Welcome back Foot Splashers and Seasoned Swimmers 💦! Today’s topic concerns the second step one must undertake on their journey to becoming master of the 6 feets and seas (always 6 though because Christian, the Great Whale Shark Rider, still holds the 7th🦈)

Floating is infamous for being that aquatic skill that nobody but fresh newborn babies and oversized Floatopia inflatables possess⛱. Its notoriety is often well documented: “I tried floating 5 years ago. I sank like a 2-ton anchor. I’ll never try it again.”

Its successful application? Envied. “My sister thinks she’s soooo cool because she can float. She’s ALWAYS laughing at me. It’s cool though. I’m going to show her float next weekend when I toss her ragedy a—”

— Now, now, no need to get hostile, kids. That’s what I’m here for. Allow me to lead you through the land of chlorine, salt, and underwater snake clowns🐍🤡 (Lego Batman, anyone? anyone?..oh, nevermind..awkward).

But first, a couple fun facts about floating (because who doesn’t like fun facts?):

  1. At about chest level depth your bodyweight is reduced about 90% because of buoyancy (science is cool)
  2. The capacity of any object to float is determined by its weight and the amount of water it displaces or moves (why is science so cool)
  3. Annnd lastly, many of you will hopelessly sink…& that’s okay👌🏽if you have a certain amount of muscle or wrestle polar bears in your free time (like me), you will sink💪🏽. That’s your cross to bear, but you’re not alone because I sink too 🤷🏽‍♂️
  4. For the rest of you, I’m jealous 😒

But anyways, enough of all that! Floater or sinker, here’s how to front float (or at least try) in more steps than are probably necessary because steps are almost as cool as science, right?

1st: Fill lungs with air by taking the deepest largest breath ever (possibly your last…jay kay, jay kay )✅

2nd: While standing, position head facedown in water ✅

3rd: Extend arms and kick legs up and behind you ✅

4th: Spread legs outwards so entire body resembles a starfish⭐️ ✅

5th: Relax and enjoy for as long as you can 😊✅

Bonus: Say “hi” to Ariel for me 🐚

And there you go! Practice a few times in a row (5 times should do it) focusing on relaxing. The worst that can happen is you sink rather slowly to the bottom. To stand, gently swing arms back and lightly tuck knees to your chest. Once you’re comfortable floating (or sinking with style), you’re ready for the next step! 💦

**Footnote: babies, children, women, 40+ year old humans, and most dad bods often have the easiest time floating due to higher body fat to muscle ratio. Isn’t life poetic?


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau


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Lonely Foot Splasher Chronicles: Labor Day 

It’s August 29, 2017. Labor Day is coming. You just bought a new bathing suit. You’re excited 😬

You’ve been practicing your poses in the mirror, eating tofu celery, and working out all week 💪🏽.

You tell yourself the gram isn’t ready, and, truth is, it probably isn’t. Go you. You earned it 💁🏽.

While you’re not sure which party(s) you’re shutting down yet, you do know one thing: your scalp will remain permanently fixed above water 🙅🏽‍♂️.

But that’s not new. You’re ready for the gram; you’re not ready for the water. Never for the water. STILL not the water 😢.

So after you’ve snapped your photos for your gram fans, you will sit. Sit on arid land, sip on frosé, and splash your feet, by yourself. 🚶🏽

And your friends? They won’t do the same. While you sit, getting splashed in the face, they will be dunking, diving, and cannonballing merrily through another Labor Day ☺️.

At least you have the gram 👍🏽.

Maybe next year you’ll learn to swim. Maybe next Labor Day. Maybe next 2k pool party. Maybe next summer. Maybe never 😟.

Avoid never, avoid Lonely Foot Splashing, avoid risking your life at every party with water, avoid not living your best life. Join your friends. Join me. I’m here to help. Wade on over to the comment section or the sign up form on this site if you want to get started. If not, there’s always never. Enjoy the frosé 🤙🏽


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau

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The First Step to Swimming out into the Great Blue Beyond: Breath Control (Video)


Welcome back Foot Splashers and Seasoned Swimmers 💦! Today’s topic concerns the very first skill one must master on their journey to becoming master of the 6 Feets and Seas (Just 6 though because Christian, the Great Octopus Wrangler, will always hold the 7th🐙).

Breathing in the water is very unlike breathing outside of it, especially if you’ve been breathing correctly. Most people don’t (inhale through nose; exhale through mouth for the unmindful ones💆🏽‍♂️).

The best way to breathe for swimming is the exact opposite: exhale through the nose; inhale through the mouth.

This method of breathing is advantageous for a few different but commonly aligned reasons:

  1. Prevents water in nose, thereby averting the super uncomfortable sensation of death, and, well, having water in your nose 🤷🏽‍♂️.
  2. Reduces oxygen in lungs allowing your body to be more evenly aligned for swimming (you know, physics and biomechanics and stuff).
  3. Looks super cool in front of all my sea turtle friends 🐢.

Okay, so now that we’ve gone over the benefits, how do we put this skill in action💭?

I thought you’d never ask😎.

We practice breath control through what is called “bobbing”.

Bobbing is SUPER simple and can be super fun as long as you don’t do it, like, more than 10 times in a row (seriously lol not good, you could pass out underwater. No bueno. Not fun 🙅🏽‍♂️). #BobResponsibly

Here’s how to perform bobs with progressions thrown in.
1st: Blow bubbles with just mouth in water ✅
2nd: Blow bubbles with both mouth & nose in water (through nose this time) ✅
3rd: Blow bubbles while face is in water (still through nose) ✅
4th: Submerge half face in water and, you guessed it, blow bubbles (nose)😊✅
5th: Fully submerge head and blow bubbles (nose again) ✅

And there you go! Practice a few times in a row (5 times should do it) focusing on exhaling through the nose and inhaling through the mouth. Once you have that down comfortably, you’re ready for the next step! 💦

**sidenote: some swimmmers exhale through both their mouth and nose while inhaling just through their mouths. That way is perfectly fine. For teaching purposes, I keep it simple 💆🏽‍♂️


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau


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How to Create Makeshift Inflatable Device with your PANTS (Video)

Today’s installment is Part 2 of what to do if you find yourself (Lonely Foot Splasher of Seasoned Swimmer) fully dressed in the water with help far off. While this nifty trick might require more work than the shirt, it’s also more likely that you’d be wearing pants than a long sleeve. In addition, a seasoned swimmer might easily use this to help save another’s life by creating their own “inflatable” and wrapping it around that person 😊.

To create an inflatable device with your pants while in the water follow these 7 simple steps:

🎬 How to create a makeshift inflatable device with your PANTS! 👖🌊🛥

1st Step: Relax & Stay Calm✅

2nd Step: Take off Pants 👅💦 ✅

3rd Step: Tie Pant Legs together ✅

4th Step: Zip the Zipper & Button the Button ✅

5th Step: Slam Opening into Water ✅

6th Step: Place Head in Opening ✅

7th Step: Relax, & Enjoy your Journey 🙏🏽

Pro Tip: keep pants moist to reduce the escape of oxygen and deflation of pants. 


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”- Henry David Thoreau

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