Lonely Foot Splasher Chronicles: Mid- Summer (Throwback😊)

It’s July 28, 2017. You’re feeling rather proud of yourself, but you have your doubts.

You’ve attended every pool & yacht party fully clothed 👩🏽‍⚕️👨🏽‍⚕️. Fully—you even wore sneakers smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic once👟. You feel safe in your clothes, comfortable.

Sometimes, perhaps, too comfortable.

But what are you to do? You can’t swim, and comfort keeps you safe. Alive. Dry.

Water is danger. Death. Wet.

You begin to sweat just thinking about it. Sure, water is ‘cool’ in a tall crisp glass on a hot summer day, but the danger is there. They say there’s strength in numbers; that certainly applies to water.

Too much is too much…no matter how fun it looks. No matter how seductive it looks; no matter the glee on your friends’ faces as they cannonball jubilantly in the pool💦.

You never even belly flopped (at least not in the deep end. Void btw🙅🏽‍♂️)

You told yourself you were going to learn how to swim 5 years ago⏳. 5 years later, here you are: more clothed than ever, foot splashing off the edge of the pool, purposefully gripping life vests on yachts, avoiding the beauty of the great beyond.

Christian thinks it’s time. You think it’s time. Your friends think it’s time⌛️. Learn to swim. Learn now. Learn forever. Leave your foot splashing days behind.

DM, Email, Comment, Message, Contact, Reach, me for lessons.

It’s been 5 years. Don’t wait another 5. You’re almost 35👴🏽👵🏽.


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau


Like the selfies I took for Snapchat and repurposed for IG: NoChainz26

Send me pictures of your illicit drug & alcohol habits on Snapchat: NoChainz26

Read all the subtweets that my ex will never see because she’s too busy offline and in love with that douchebag with stupid hair on Twitter: still nope

Watch me secretly hate all 2,000 of my friends on Facebook at Christian Cabrera

Help pay for my next bundle of shares by depositing money in Square account: behind your arrogant notions of intellectual superiority




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