Lonely Foot Splasher Chronicles: Labor Day 

It’s August 29, 2017. Labor Day is coming. You just bought a new bathing suit. You’re excited 😬

You’ve been practicing your poses in the mirror, eating tofu celery, and working out all week 💪🏽.

You tell yourself the gram isn’t ready, and, truth is, it probably isn’t. Go you. You earned it 💁🏽.

While you’re not sure which party(s) you’re shutting down yet, you do know one thing: your scalp will remain permanently fixed above water 🙅🏽‍♂️.

But that’s not new. You’re ready for the gram; you’re not ready for the water. Never for the water. STILL not the water 😢.

So after you’ve snapped your photos for your gram fans, you will sit. Sit on arid land, sip on frosé, and splash your feet, by yourself. 🚶🏽

And your friends? They won’t do the same. While you sit, getting splashed in the face, they will be dunking, diving, and cannonballing merrily through another Labor Day ☺️.

At least you have the gram 👍🏽.

Maybe next year you’ll learn to swim. Maybe next Labor Day. Maybe next 2k pool party. Maybe next summer. Maybe never 😟.

Avoid never, avoid Lonely Foot Splashing, avoid risking your life at every party with water, avoid not living your best life. Join your friends. Join me. I’m here to help. Wade on over to the comment section or the sign up form on this site if you want to get started. If not, there’s always never. Enjoy the frosé 🤙🏽


“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live”- Henry David Thoreau

Like my dog ear selfies on IG: NoChainz26

Send me pictures of your unlovable dog on Snapchat: NoChainz26

Follow horrifically lame tweets underneath your unmade bed

Watch me tolerate humanity at its doggone worst on Facebook: Christian Nope

Put money in my Square account: NoChainz

Email: TheLonelyFootSplasher@gmail.com

One thought on “Lonely Foot Splasher Chronicles: Labor Day 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s